I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
