Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
