you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
