I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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