I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Dick very happy bro
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
