I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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