i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
