hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
