I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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