I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
