Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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