Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
