I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
