Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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