Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
