im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
