If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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