Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
