drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
