My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
