I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Randomize