and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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