Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
