I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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