my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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