It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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