He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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