dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
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