Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
