Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
