NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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