I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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