If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
