I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
