Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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