3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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