you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
