The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
