1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
