I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
