What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
