I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
