Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
