I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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