I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
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