When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize