We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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