dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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