Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
