Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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