She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
