i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
