Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
